The Illustrated Glossary of Ello User Definitions (with monkeys).

Ello is a brand-new-still in-beta social media presence force of nature. And with that force comes the question:

"As Ello users, what do we call ourselves? What will others call us?
OMG WHO THE FUCK ARE WE?"

Oh, the eternal, ever-ellosive search for identity! Perfect fodder for cartoonists to make fun and silliness with monkeys.

Here is The Illustrated Glossary of Ello User Definitions (with monkeys):

1. The Nootello - An Ello noob. You'll see them crashing about the place bumping into things and knocking things over in an effort to figure out how it all works. Adorabello!

2. The Elloper - Not everyone is going to drop their existing social media profiles for Ello-exclusivity, but some folks will. Whether they delete their Facebook and Google+ accounts completely, or simply spend less time there and more time on Ello in a slow migration, these people are known as "Ellopers".

3. The Antellope - There are people who don't like change. They may see Ello as a usurper or trickster trying to lure you into a trap with the promise of no-ads and awesome design. They declare often and loudly at every opportunity their mistrust of Ello, even swearing up and down that they will never-in-a-million-years join Ello. Antellopes are anti-Ello.

4. The fEllo - Early adopters on any platform are known for their eagerness in reaching out and making friends. Since Ello supports cute little emoji, fEllos can easily be spotted throwing them around with reckless abandon. Note the lower case "f" - Autocorrect will crack it's mighty whip and it stings like a motherfucker every single time it turns "fEllo" into a "fellow".

5. The Ellosopher - We've all done it. You get to a new social media platform and what do you talk about? YOU TALK ABOUT THAT NEW SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM. Duh! The Ellosopher is one who philosophizes endlessly about the meaning of Ello. These ponderous and often lengthy posts get a surprising number of comments and interactions.

You can find out why "noise" is now a verb here.

6. The Ellotist - There's always a select few users who manage to elevate and alienate themselves from the rest of the community. The Ellotists are an elite bunch who would never deign to stoop so low as to reply to you if you dare to say hi to them. They also consider themselves to be superior to everyone else on the Internet (except 4channers and Redditors) just by virtue of being ahead of the supposed 45,000 people trying to sign on to Ello every hour as I type this.

7. The Knowitello - Know-it-alls make it their business to know everything about a new platform before everyone else. And when I say "business" I mean "money". KnowitEllos will cash in on tricks and tips in books and other monetized content* on "how to use Ello to promote your whatever". This may seem helpful on the surface, but it inevitably results in a huge wave of users diluting the content on a platform into samey meaningless drivel. Annoying, right? Try to see the bigger picture.

*This blog is not monetized.

8. The Ellophant - They're the same giants with a kajillion followers on every platform. Why is that? Because they're fucking magical. Chances are they post the same content on Ello as on G+, Facebook and Twitter, so if you already follow them on one they've got you covered.

9. The Smello - As far as I'm concerned there are two kinds of trolls on The Innerwebs: the mean and hateful kind, and the kind who treat every day like it's April Fools. You may disagree with me, but I can certainly appreciate a little artful trolling if no one gets hurt. Smellos are mostly meanies, but those who also those who fail at funny-trolling. And just FYI, I'm making all of this up.

10. Spam - Spam is the same on Ello as it is everywhere. It is inevitable and tiresome. Block and report all spam; we must be vigilant! We must be spam ninjas! The struggello is real.

11. HELLO - If you break the rules repeatedly, you may be deleted and your IP address banned. In short, you will be sent not to 'jail' but to a place known as HELLO. Note that HELLO is all-caps; this is to differentiate it from the casual greeting "hello!".

As any KnowitEllo worth their salt will tell you, Ello is the only social media platform where HELLO is GOOD-BYE.

12. The Spello - When Autocorrect or even a solid literary education fails you, fear not! The Grammar Police will come to your rescue. On Ello, these are known as Spellos. Spellos, you know who you are: I left you a little something hear. Feel free to correct me in the comments.

13. The Evangello - Every social media platform that has ever launched has its share of vociferous fangirls and boys. Visual artists tend to become inspired to create homages to the newborn network and cartoonists such as myself, are no exception, often staying up until the wee hours drawing monkeys. The EvangEllo spreads the word about Ello using visuals.

Here's all of 'em in one handy dandy graphic. I am nice.

Human foibles are funny and so endearing. I'll celebrate them on any channel.

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Visual Storytelling - 6 reasons why stories with pictures are awesome.

I spoke in a panel at BlogHer14, called "Developing Your Visual Voice". My segment was about eighteen minutes pulled from my workshop on Visual Storytelling. The response was positive enough to follow up with a more in-depth "how to" series here on my blog. I am nice.

Let's get started.

Why should we tell stories with pictures?

1. Welp. The world is full of noise.

If you're doing business, if you're an educator, or an independent artist, writer or blogger; if you're content marketing in any way, images will help you stick out of the pile.

There's a lot of bloggers out there - not a lot of them draw. And NO ONE draws like you (whether you think you can draw or not).

2. Stories will pictures have sticky-power. People have short attention spans - they often skim rather than read.

I'll bet you're reading this.

So putting your message into pictures is a perfect way to be instantly seen...

...and remembered. And shared.

Hurrah for sticky-power!

3. Be instantly recognizable. Use certain colours and styles consistently to establish your visual voice. Remember that visuals add your personal touch to any kind of media. Some folks call this 'branding', but it really means you being 'you'. Know who you are.

Your "look" should be visible on all your social media platforms, your audio-visuals, PowerPoint presentations and your print media.

4. Pictures are empathy triggers. They grab people and make them feel something. The more personal your drawing is the better, i.e. if you draw it yourself, then you're using your own authentic visual voice.

And if you can engage on an emotional level, it becomes a two way conversation.

You talk to them and they talk back - people like to be heard, it makes them feel good. We all want to feel that we are a part of the story.

You can capture the hearts and minds of your audience with visual storytelling.

But that's not all. These four points contribute to one great result:

5. Drawing is good for your brain. Whether you draw it yourself or hire someone else to draw it for you, being able to think and express yourself visually will make you a better communicator and a better storyteller.

6. Duh. Stories with pictures are fun. You can put things in drawings that enhance a story and add layers of meaning. Visual storytelling is value-added.

I mean, which book would you go for?

Next up in this series: simple digital tools. 

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Menopause FUQ.

WARNING: This post is bold. In fact, my husband is pretty much convinced that I'm destroying my blogging career with it. Do I care? Not really. Both my daughters and my own mother burst out laughing viewing these drawings. But anyways, if you’re at all squeamish or easily offended by anthropomorphic lady bits you should stop reading now and click away from this blog post. I’m taking no prisoners.

“MENOPAUSE.”

Yeah, I said it out loud. Seriously, nobody* wants to talk openly about this fact of female life. I grew up, got married and had three children, and was all the while blissfully unaware of anything to do with menopause. I only learned how to spell it properly when I got my first attack of the sweaty-undertits. No one wants to talk and no one wants to listen.
*A group comprised of most people.

Just for fun, I Googled some of the female-exclusive reproductive words to compare interest levels (I included a Google search of "sex" just for laughs.):

9.1 billion mentions of "menopause" on the Internet seems like a lot. But is it? I mean, it has a tad more presence than "menstruation", which kinda surprised me, but is still nowhere near the search results for "pregnancy", or "sex", which is totally off the charts.

I’ll say it again:

“MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE. 
MENO - wait for it ......pause.”

I feel like sharing. Here’s a list of things no one told me about menopause - think of it as a PSA falling kerplunk! into the category of answers to Frequently Unanswered Questions, or FUQ:

1.  First off - Tweezers will be your new best friend. You'll want a magnifying mirror to see the nasty black bristles you've been oblivious to for the past six months since your eyes have been going bye-bye.

2.  When you look in the mirror, you'll sometimes see a man staring back at you. This is especially true if your teen-aged daughters steal borrow your tweezers. Weirdly, make-up tends to enhance the masculine effect. It’s kind of a drag.

3.  You will need three different bra sizes in one month. Randomly undulating breasts are fun! Try to enjoy it.

You're looking at my star qualities aren't you.

4.  My Hot Flashes are probably contributing to Global Warming. I'm sorry about that. If only there was a Think Tank clever enough to dream up a way to harness this sustainable energy resource...

5.  Night sweats can totally happen during the day. (Note the sweaty- undertits.)

6.  Things that you used to be able to set your clock by, suddenly go haywire. And just when you think you're in the clear because it's been months and months since you've had to tear off a strip, your period will come raging back into your knickers like an old acquaintance that you never liked very much cornering you at a cocktail party.

Wear white at your own risk and above all, avoid swimming in shark infested waters.

7.  Oh the mood swings! Oscillating between crying jags and vicious snarls is exhausting. Too bad those hot flashes are keeping you awake at night.

See what I did there?

SCROLL NO FURTHER IF DIZZY, NAUSEOUS OR UNABLE TO MAKE A FIST.

Still here? Well alrighty then, don't say I didn't warn you.

8.  Vaginal dryness happens to OTHER women. Nobody wants to admit they have it because our plump, juicy vagina is tied directly to our core sexuality. But one day you'll be innocently going about your business when suddenly there'll be a scratching sensation. The closest thing I can liken it to is having sand in your bathing suit and you'll wonder how on earth it got there.

Life is a beach, and then you get sandy shorts. THANKS A LOT, MENOPAUSE.

Sex can be ouchy! You might be well and truly turned on but it still feels dry and it hurts. Some days it feels like if your vagina had a face it might look like this.

But don't freak out - it doesn't have a face.

Actually, I looked "vaginal dryness" up on a reputable site, and guess what?! The vagina is not necessarily dry; it could just be that the tissues are all thin and shriveled due to a decrease in estrogen and progesterone. So yaaaaaay.

Also known as "Reasons to die young".

9.  You will lose your memory. You will even lose the memory of your memory.

10.  What was the question again? I'm sorry I can't hear you above the wailing wind whistling through my empty cranial cavity.

11.  Somehow, through this tornado of bleck and uncertainty, The Huz still finds me hawt. Hurrah! I will keep him.

Yay! Someone loves me, vadryna and all!

On the bright side, I've only got another five to ten years of this menopausal crap. I wonder what's supposed to happen after that...?

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The UN-Bucket List.

You've heard of the Bucket List, a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket? Well this is my UN-Bucket List.

My trusty assistant, PickleWeasel, will demonstrate!

UN-Bucket List

There must be some shit you never want to do.

I made this list with Listly, so please feel free to vote up or down, or add to it - it's interactive - what's on your UN-Bucket List?

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My 2013 Resolutions.

Here's my top ten New Years resolutions for 2013; I'm trying to focus on the important stuff, but I also want to be realistic.

The most challenging thing on my list is number 3. I still need to get better at saying "no". If you had to pick one personal goal for 2013, what would it be...?

Happy New Year and all that sparkly rainbow bubbly stuff.

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GREEN Christmas - Top 10 Funniest.

1. Grinch it. Bully a small dog into helping you steal Christmas only to give it back at the last minute. Sounds fun right?  You don't hafta wear pants and your heart will grow three sizes.

2. Envy. Simply covet thy neighbour's gifts!

3. Greenback. Buy a winning lottery ticket, for a change.

4. Zombie.  That dude you kissed under the mistletoe is now gnawing on your shoulder.

5. Nausea. Too much rich food will make you green around the gills.

6. Practical Presents. Wine probably fits into this category. It's not exactly environmental, but hey, it's wine. As The Huz says, "wouldn't you rather give your money to a family run vineyard than a big pharmaceutical company?"

7. Orion Slave Girls. They make a nice holiday treat....if you're into alien sex. Uh, I mean sects.

8. Last Minute Green Gift. You get a surprise visit from Aunt Mildred, and she's got gifts for the whole family. But you have no gift for her! Uh-oh....better sneak into the bathroom with your laptop and get her a Kiva Gift Card to loan $25 to third world entrepreneur.

9. Noob it. Enjoy the green sensation of learning something new.

10. Make-up! Get your fabulous friends to paint you green and take pictures.

Got any more?

Kathy Slamen Photography, Body painting  Alex Hansen, Hair & make-up Naita Ratycz, jewelry and hair accessory by Serafina, vintage gown courtesy private collection of Nancy Marrelli.

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