June 18, 2014

Menopause FUQ.

WARNING: This post is bold. In fact, my husband is pretty much convinced that I'm destroying my blogging career with it. Do I care? Not really. Both my daughters and my own mother burst out laughing viewing these drawings. But anyways, if you’re at all squeamish or easily offended by anthropomorphic lady bits you should stop reading now and click away from this blog post. I’m taking no prisoners.

“MENOPAUSE.”

Yeah, I said it out loud. Seriously, nobody* wants to talk openly about this fact of female life. I grew up, got married and had three children, and was all the while blissfully unaware of anything to do with menopause. I only learned how to spell it properly when I got my first attack of the sweaty-undertits. No one wants to talk and no one wants to listen.
*A group comprised of most people.

Just for fun, I Googled some of the female-exclusive reproductive words to compare interest levels (I included a Google search of "sex" just for laughs.):


9.1 billion mentions of "menopause" on the Internet seems like a lot. But is it? I mean, it has a tad more presence than "menstruation", which kinda surprised me, but is still nowhere near the search results for "pregnancy", or "sex", which is totally off the charts.

I’ll say it again:

“MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE. 
MENO - wait for it ......pause.”

I feel like sharing. Here’s a list of things no one told me about menopause - think of it as a PSA falling kerplunk! into the category of answers to Frequently Unanswered Questions, or FUQ:

1.  First off - Tweezers will be your new best friend. You'll want a magnifying mirror to see the nasty black bristles you've been oblivious to for the past six months since your eyes have been going bye-bye.


2.  When you look in the mirror, you'll sometimes see a man staring back at you. This is especially true if your teen-aged daughters steal borrow your tweezers. Weirdly, make-up tends to enhance the masculine effect. It’s kind of a drag.


3.  You will need three different bra sizes in one month. Randomly undulating breasts are fun! Try to enjoy it.

You're looking at my star qualities aren't you.

4.  My Hot Flashes are probably contributing to Global Warming. I'm sorry about that. If only there was a Think Tank clever enough to dream up a way to harness this sustainable energy resource...


5.  Night sweats can totally happen during the day. (Note the sweaty- undertits.)


6.  Things that you used to be able to set your clock by, suddenly go haywire. And just when you think you're in the clear because it's been months and months since you've had to tear off a strip, your period will come raging back into your knickers like an old acquaintance that you never liked very much cornering you at a cocktail party.

Wear white at your own risk and above all, avoid swimming in shark infested waters.


7.  Oh the mood swings! Oscillating between crying jags and vicious snarls is exhausting. Too bad those hot flashes are keeping you awake at night.

See what I did there?

SCROLL NO FURTHER IF DIZZY, NAUSEOUS OR UNABLE TO MAKE A FIST.

Still here? Well alrighty then, don't say I didn't warn you.

8.  Vaginal dryness happens to OTHER women. Nobody wants to admit they have it because our plump, juicy vagina is tied directly to our core sexuality. But one day you'll be innocently going about your business when suddenly there'll be a scratching sensation. The closest thing I can liken it to is having sand in your bathing suit and you'll wonder how on earth it got there.

Life is a beach, and then you get sandy shorts. THANKS A LOT, MENOPAUSE.

Sex can be ouchy! You might be well and truly turned on but it still feels dry and it hurts. Some days it feels like if your vagina had a face it might look like this.


But don't freak out - it doesn't have a face.

Actually, I looked "vaginal dryness" up on a reputable site, and guess what?! The vagina is not necessarily dry; it could just be that the tissues are all thin and shriveled due to a decrease in estrogen and progesterone. So yaaaaaay.

Also known as "Reasons to die young".

9.  You will lose your memory. You will even lose the memory of your memory.


10.  What was the question again? I'm sorry I can't hear you above the wailing wind whistling through my empty cranial cavity.


11.  Somehow, through this tornado of bleck and uncertainty, The Huz still finds me hawt. Hurrah! I will keep him.

Yay! Someone loves me, vadryna and all!
On the bright side, I've only got another five to ten years of this menopausal crap. I wonder what's supposed to happen after that...?


61 comments:

  1. OMG. I'm going to pee my vadryna pants.

    Your husband is wrong. This is going to go EVERYWHERE.

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    1. Great. Because I'm pretty sure they have Vadrynas in outer space. On Planet Loob.

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  2. Oh yes. All of this. And 15 extra pounds that won't leave.

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    1. Damn. I didn't include that one. Maybe because I was having a memory lapse.

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  3. VADRYNA! I will never not love this.

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    1. Shower your vadryna with love too!

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  4. I may have to buy a cat just so I have something to name VADRYNA!

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    1. good one! lol

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    2. Yes, good idea. Cats hate water so the name is very fitting.

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  5. AHAHAHAHA!!! LOVE IT!! And how true! Personally speaking I am beyond 6 & 7 (I am just plain vicious everyday eversince)...Oooh Yeah! #11 - yep, I'm keeping mine too! Although I find that whenever he spoons me at night, the extra body heat just triggers the hot flashes.

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    1. I am missing the spooning. I can't even hold hands at night without worrying about combusting spontaneously.

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  6. VADRYNA! Bwahahaha. OMG, you nailed it. Oh, and let's not forget gravity, and a middle that showed up out of nowhere! I can't love this post enough!

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    1. I never had much in the way of hips and now I have a menopause baby. Great.

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  7. southern woman call them, Personal Summers.. trying to make it pleasant you know. But I firmly believe that I will use VaDryna is summering in the Desert.

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    1. I tend to call it "my own personal tropical vacation" but I like your "summering in the desert"!

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    2. I think I'd rather be summering in the dessert.

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    3. ...a nice cool dessert. Like maybe a frozen daiquiri or something.

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  8. Ooohhhh.... Splitting my sides! True, true, and truer! So glad I'm through with the active phase of personal summer... But. I hate to be the bearer of bad news...some of this shit is PERMANENT! Like Vadryna. And then comes snarky old woman, who used to be referred to as fun and quirky, and then becomes known as simply ECCENTRIC! Thanks for this Jc. I needed to hear it.

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    1. You're welcome. I'm going for eccentric with as much gusto as my vadryna will allow.

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  9. I snorted with laughter with "attack of the sweaty undertits" and didn't stop! I have SO much to look forward to ;)

    Hubs was wrong, this post will go far; I'm certainly going to share it!

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    1. I can't claim credit for the sweat undertits; my friend Cindy calls them that. She's a genius.

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  10. Except for the vadryna (which would at least be less messy!) I have all of that, and still get the red-beet jelly with Hyde tools and bastard files!

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    1. I was following everything up to "red-beet jelly" when suddenly the room went quiet. What on earth are "Hyde tools" and "bastard files"???

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    2. Those are hardware tools used for scraping paint off walls, which describes the Owchiness of the red beet jelly time (no where near as fun as peanut butter jelly time!) Plus, the term bastard files just seemed right to say!

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    3. Aaaaaand I jinxed myself. Talking about it made it show up and it's now scraping the paint off my walls, now you know what I mean! (OW OW OW!)

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    4. Roxie oh my gads. That description is very apt.

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  11. hahahahhahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh xxxxxxxxxxxxxx sukie

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  12. This is the best post on vaginal dryness ever!

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  13. Oh my ... Thank You.

    just,

    Thank.You.

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  14. I am 35 and can relate to all of this, with the exception of the tease of having finally lost my period, only to have it sneak-attack and come back again (although my cycle has changed, despite use of BCP's). My mother was perimenopausal for over a decade...

    You know, sometimes it's either laugh, scream, or cry. You've given me my laugh for the day, for sure!

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    1. The sneak attack is really not fair. I don't miss my period AT ALL.

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  15. Holy shit, that's funny. You didn't even need the tag line "dryer than the driest comedian." Based on context alone it was blisteringly funny.
    More menopause talk!

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    1. I only put it there so people would be able to share the drawing and it would remain in context. You know, when they share it on, oh, say....Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest G+ and Twiitter for example? Hint. Clunk.

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  16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. I also realize I am the only man brave enough or stupid enough to comment on this subject. .

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    3. Step away from the minefield! Oh wait I see you already did by deleting your comments. Nevermind!

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  17. I got my first every hot flash at work. I work with all men 15 to 25 years older than me. I had the A/C cranked down so low it was like a hurricane blowing through the office, and I was still sweating and telling everyone how hot it was in there. I walked by my boss' office and he was huddled under his desk trying to light a fire. NONE of the men said a word. I guess they have all learned from their wives. Now, before turning down the A/C, I ask, "is it hot in there or is it me?" And I bought a fan.

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  18. I am so glad I am 28!

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    1. At least you can plan ahead, thanks to this PSA!

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  19. What no one tells you, is that the entire menopausal experience doesn't have to exist at all. Menopause, like perimenopause and PMS, is an estrogen deficiency issue and can be avoided altogether by restoring estrogen back to healthy levels. Find a doctor who's educated and trained in hormone optimization is difficult because doctors are left in the dark about estrogen so they don't fix the problem. As long as women are estrogen deficient, drug companies can sell pharmaceuticals to manage the symptoms of estrogen deficiency, like depression and anxiety. Don't fall for it and keep your estrogen at levels that protect your body, not low enough to cause disease.

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    1. Thanks for the input Menopause Moxie! I spoke to my doctor about this. She tested my levels and so far so good. She also said that I'd eventually have to come off HRT if I went on it. I've come this far with no hormones, and no pharmaceutical symptom treatments and I'm not about to turn back. I rather like the way I'm aging, vadryna and all.

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  20. I'm dying. What the hell with facial hairs??? I look in a magnified mirror. No black hairs. Six hours later, four 3 - inch black ones on outer lip stache. And I fear the night sweats. Had them post surgery once. Woke up thinking I peed the bed. All. Night. Long.

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  21. I'm dying. What the hell with facial hairs??? I look in a magnified mirror. No black hairs. Six hours later, four 3 - inch black ones on outer lip stache. And I fear the night sweats. Had them post surgery once. Woke up thinking I peed the bed. All. Night. Long.

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    1. Don't live in fear - sleep on a towel!

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  22. This was so fun to read thank you! Damned Man hairs are my nemesis...es.

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  23. Hysterical! Seriously sick of the random hairs and what I call "musical bras." Glad to know I am not alone!

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    1. Musical bras hahahaha I love it! Hilarious.

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  24. VADRYNA!

    I'm freaking dying of laughter here.

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  25. I think the Huz may have been thinking of your male audience.

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  26. V. Funny! But you neglected to mention that it makes you drink more--at least that's my excuse.

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  27. Notes from the other side: It may take men a while to catch up (it always does) The facial hair thing has me trimming my eyebrows. otherwise I end up looking like a deranged owl. A large number of beard hairs go horizontal as well. Memory loss is fun as well. (the first stuff I forget is what I dislike or don't want to do) But for the true lover, a young nubile lady is no comparison to that fine highly experienced woman who just happens to love you in spite of all your screw-ups. And concerning the guys who bail at menopause; it's all about them since their sexuality is threatened, but love goes way beyond that.

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  28. Vadryna! I'm at the beginning of this wild, wacky dry vacky journey, but I can relate to so much of this and it's hilarious. Well...here, it's hilarious. In my world, and my Lady Tunnel, not so much. FUQ that! ;)

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  29. This is genius. So on the money. I am sorry to say I can relate to every single one of these. And, along with the shifting bra size, can anyone tell me what the hell is going on with my waist? One day it's normal, the next it has bloated so badly I can't fit into any of my pants. No one told me about this stage of womanhood, and I'm kinda pissed about that.

    Thanks for keeping it real! :)

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  30. Don't have the extra hairs----I have hair LOSS…as in no more shaving necessary. Weird. I'm beginning to look like a hairless chihuahau. Yes to all the rest of it, along with weight gain. Did you know that one bite of cake equals 20 pounds? Yep. Welcome to menopause.

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  31. Love, love, love this post! My fav pics are the ones on global warming and you first pic of you with the wiskers. Oh, what I have to look forward to in the next few years! Thanks for the head's up!

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  32. let's not forget to mention...um, leakage. When the uterine walls are thinning, and all the moisture decides to leave, so when you're not bleeding you're just leaking. So much fun!

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Cuz You Rocketh.