October 6, 2014

The Illustrated Glossary of Ello User Definitions (with monkeys).

Ello is a brand-new-still in-beta social media presence force of nature. And with that force comes the question:
"As Ello users, what do we call ourselves? What will others call us?
OMG WHO THE FUCK ARE WE?"
Oh, the eternal, ever-ellosive search for identity! Perfect fodder for cartoonists to make fun and silliness with monkeys.

Here is The Illustrated Glossary of Ello User Definitions (with monkeys):

1. The Nootello - An Ello noob. You'll see them crashing about the place bumping into things and knocking things over in an effort to figure out how it all works. Adorabello!



2. The Elloper - Not everyone is going to drop their existing social media profiles for Ello-exclusivity, but some folks will. Whether they delete their Facebook and Google+ accounts completely, or simply spend less time there and more time on Ello in a slow migration, these people are known as "Ellopers".


3. The Antellope - There are people who don't like change. They may see Ello as a usurper or trickster trying to lure you into a trap with the promise of no-ads and awesome design. They declare often and loudly at every opportunity their mistrust of Ello, even swearing up and down that they will never-in-a-million-years join Ello. Antellopes are anti-Ello.


4. The fEllo - Early adopters on any platform are known for their eagerness in reaching out and making friends. Since Ello supports cute little emoji, fEllos can easily be spotted throwing them around with reckless abandon. Note the lower case "f" - Autocorrect will crack it's mighty whip and it stings like a motherfucker every single time it turns "fEllo" into a "fellow".


5. The Ellosopher - We've all done it. You get to a new social media platform and what do you talk about? YOU TALK ABOUT THAT NEW SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM. Duh! The Ellosopher is one who philosophizes endlessly about the meaning of Ello. These ponderous and often lengthy posts get a surprising number of comments and interactions.


You can find out why "noise" is now a verb here.

6. The Ellotist - There's always a select few users who manage to elevate and alienate themselves from the rest of the community. The Ellotists are an elite bunch who would never deign to stoop so low as to reply to you if you dare to say hi to them. They also consider themselves to be superior to everyone else on the Internet (except 4channers and Redditors) just by virtue of being ahead of the supposed 45,000 people trying to sign on to Ello every hour as I type this.


7. The Knowitello - Know-it-alls make it their business to know everything about a new platform before everyone else. And when I say "business" I mean "money". KnowitEllos will cash in on tricks and tips in books and other monetized content* on "how to use Ello to promote your whatever". This may seem helpful on the surface, but it inevitably results in a huge wave of users diluting the content on a platform into samey meaningless drivel. Annoying, right? Try to see the bigger picture.

*This blog is not monetized.


8. The Ellophant - They're the same giants with a kajillion followers on every platform. Why is that? Because they're fucking magical. Chances are they post the same content on Ello as on G+Facebook and Twitter, so if you already follow them on one they've got you covered.


9. The Smello - As far as I'm concerned there are two kinds of trolls on The Innerwebs: the mean and hateful kind, and the kind who treat every day like it's April Fools. You may disagree with me, but I can certainly appreciate a little artful trolling if no one gets hurt. Smellos are mostly meanies, but those who also those who fail at funny-trolling. And just FYI, I'm making all of this up.


10. Spam - Spam is the same on Ello as it is everywhere. It is inevitable and tiresome. Block and report all spam; we must be vigilant! We must be spam ninjas! The struggello is real.


11. HELLO - If you break the rules repeatedly, you may be deleted and your IP address banned. In short, you will be sent not to 'jail' but to a place known as HELLO. Note that HELLO is all-caps; this is to differentiate it from the casual greeting "hello!".

As any KnowitEllo worth their salt will tell you, Ello is the only social media platform where HELLO is GOOD-BYE.


12. The Spello - When Autocorrect or even a solid literary education fails you, fear not! The Grammar Police will come to your rescue. On Ello, these are known as Spellos. Spellos, you know who you are: I left you a little something hear. Feel free to correct me in the comments.


13. The Evangello - Every social media platform that has ever launched has its share of vociferous fangirls and boys. Visual artists tend to become inspired to create homages to the newborn network and cartoonists such as myself, are no exception, often staying up until the wee hours drawing monkeys. The EvangEllo spreads the word about Ello using visuals.


Here's all of 'em in one handy dandy graphic. I am nice.


Human foibles are funny and so endearing. I'll celebrate them on any channel.