December 29, 2013

10 Most Preposterous Sexual Positions.

WARNING: Drawings of preposterous sexual positions. 

You get a mix on this blog: most of it is sweet and innocent. But every once in a while, when you are least expecting it (um...maybe especially when you're least expecting it), there'll be something very, very naughty.

I was inspired by a couple of links (that I can no longer find) from a big, long (tee hee) Facbook convo which has also gone missing. Also note that I've drawn one woman and one man. But you can totally change it up; girl on girl, dude on dude, multiples, fruits, veges, costumes, lego, whatevs.

Here are the 10 Most Preposterous Sexual Positions*:
*Made up by me.

10. The Osterizer.



The rotor motor is so effective, you won't know if you're coming or going.

9. The Cartwheel.



To avoid serious injury, you should probably practice this a couple of times before attempting penetration. I'm just saying. Unless you're into pain - either way, practice makes perfect.

8. The Selfie.



I'm pretty sure James Franco would approve.

7. The Double-Selfie. AKA The "Ussie".



Perfect for couples who love Instagram! By the way, you'll definitely need to use a flash in there.

6. The Lady and The Tramp.



For hardcore Disney fans. And pasta lovers.

5. The "68".



Very similar to the popular "69" sexual position. Dietary restrictions may apply.

4. The Boot. 



This is one of those cases where a picture is worth a thousand words.

3. The Cirque



Gravity can be a most effective sexual aid.

2. The Elastic.




You may like to warm up with a few stretches before attempting this.

1. The Grand Jeté. 




Named for those fabulous flying leaps and jumps you see in the ballet, this position is a winner. I swear you'll be fighting over who gets to go on top. Don't forget to point your toes!

Oops. Looks like I counted wrong. There seems to be one more preposterous sexual position. 

0. The Picasso.

My favourite! Everything is all over the damn place! Who knew elbows could be so much fun!

These Preposterous Sexual Positions are all fake (except the last one...it was during my "Blue" period). But now I wonder if anyone has tried any of these...OKAY FESS UP PEOPLES. What's the weirdest sex position you've ever done? Or place you've done it? 


December 21, 2013

I am Santa.

SPOILER ALERT: Don't show this to your kids if they still believe. 

Usually I'm too busy to contribute to Neil's Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concerts, and this year is no exception. But last night, at around 11 PM, I thought I'd throw some animation together with this Christmas lullaby I wrote for my kids when they were little.

Yeah, I was thinking maybe just a couple of drawings...but when I next looked up from my animation, it was 6 o'clock in the morning. Oopsies.

Guys, I did it again.

The song is called "I am Santa" and it riffs off the idea that these kids are supposed to be good in order to get treats. By the way, I subscribe to the philosophy that people should just be good, period. Parenting is hard. It's hard to teach little people how to be good. It's hard to watch them grow up and not need you anymore...

When I wrote this song, my daughters were eight and eleven years old, so they already had inklings about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. But my son was only five and even though he sang along with a big smile whenever I played it, he didn't actually figure out what it was about until he was ten.



Uh.... now I'm nervous. Because it's just a dinky little acoustic recording. But whatever, it's from the heart and the thirteen-year-old boy loved it. So this is for him.

For a splendid array of seasonal spirit, songs, poems and videos by real authentic actual people, go see Neil's Eight Annual Blogger Christmahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, CitizenoftheMonth. It's one of the best blogs out there, at any time of year, and I'm not just saying that.


December 18, 2013

Print-on-demand: Joy or Despair?

So just to recap, I made a book called The LAST Snowman. I launched the first version as an ebook two weeks ago and you can pick it up for all things Kindle on Amazon. That version is already getting some really sweet reviews on Amazon and around the Internet, so I am happy.

But there's something about holding a book in your hands that's just so nice. A few people, including moi, wanted to experience this. So I went ahead and made a "print on demand" version. That means that I don't have to outlay tons of cash to have thousands of copies of the book printed (where most of them can then sit in my closet undisturbed for a billion years). And it also means that I can offer YOU a cute print version of The LAST Snowman for a decent price.

I was just worried about the colours; would they be nice? How would the paper feel? Is this the right size?

Joy or Despair? Let's find out:

Nice shiny cover; I ordered two proofs so I could compare them (ignore my yucky table cloth!)


This is what 50 pages looks like -perfect bound (no staples).


Looking inside, full bleed (colour goes right to the edge).


There's very little transparency in the paper, the colours are nice and deep and decently close to my screen shots.


And as a "real book" experience? This is where it really wins:


Definitely JOY.


You can now buy your very own copy of The LAST Snowman here on Createspace. It will be up on Amazon in about a week.

Don't hesitate to leave me a review on Amazon; it will make us both feel good.


December 15, 2013

Love VS Crohn's.

I met Lauri, a poetess, and her husband Mark, on the Innerwebs four years ago. Those two are crazy about each other. Always holding hands, always kissing, always smiling and laughing. They're freaking adorable with the love!

You'd never know it by looking at photos, but Mark has Crohn's disease. Every day is a battle for him right now. Lauri loves him so much, and money is tight, so I'm drawing this as a gift for her to give to him this Christmas. She also wants it to be a way to reach others who are living with Crohn's, to empower them and to raise awareness.


Mark has had Crohn's about 10 years. He underwent surgery to have part of his intestines removed about 5 years ago. He's currently on cimzia immune suppression treatment and chemo methotrexate treatment. That's the long story.

And here's the short story:

"We want people to know what it's like," says Lauri. "He is in some level of pain 24-7. But things like working in cars and playing with grandkids give him great joy. And we are huge in believing in God to help us get through. It's one of those invisible illnesses ya know."

Did you know that over half a million people suffer with this in North America? Chances are you know someone with it.

Mark and Lauri are fighting Crohn's with all the love they have for each other. Their smiles, hugs and kisses make everything a little more bearable. It's a positive message.

Ladybugs know all about hugs in a teacup.

Love VS Crohn's? Love wins.

Merry Christmas to you!


December 12, 2013

Book cover.

While I'm waiting for Amazon's Createspace to approve my book cover for the print version of The LAST Snowman, I thought I'd amuse myself by making you all turn your heads sideways.


Just kidding! Click to embiggen.


Biting my nails here - how long does it usually take them to approve a cover? Self-publishing is fun! 


December 8, 2013

How self-publishing a book is like giving birth.

WARNING: Partial nudity.

As you know, I made a book. Making a book is just like making a baby. Perhaps not the making part...



...but probably the growing part. And most definitely, the pushing out part. Especially if you're self-publishing.


I won't lie to you; it's really fucking painful. Nothing can prepare you for the torture leading up to the actual release. And yes, you will probably shit yourself. (I decided not to draw that part because I am nice.)


You can beg and plead for an epidural or hardcore narcotics, or even pray that a falling piano will knock you out and take the pain away.


But you won't get any drugs, because you're self-publishing! Ha ha.

"I'll never have sex again!" you vow.


Yeah, yeah. Everyone says this while giving birth, but you can't deny that even as you endure the awful thunder in your blood, there's already a glimmer of another sexy book lurking in the creative soup of your consciousness.


And then, just when you think you can't take it anymore, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Literally.


The book is about to launch - bear down! Bear down!
Give'er one last push.

Push!

PUSH!!


You did it! Your book is out!


And you're still alive.


Welcome to the World little one!


It's a goddamn miracle.


You're overcome with maternal joy. (Even if you're a dude.)


Congratulations on what seems to be a happy, healthy baby book, to have, to hold, and to share. Possibly even destined for the New York Times bestseller list - you never know, right?

Let's celebrate! Champagne! Enjoy the moment.


Because the real work has only just begun.


You have to keep the baby alive - feed it and give it lots of love and attention. By attention, I mean publicity; make sure folks know about the book-baby. Get that fucker out there!

Don't banish the baby to forgotten boxes in the dusty shadows of your garage or basement. You mustn't let the baby die! It's counting on you - you're all it's got.


And... don't forget the afterbirth!

Notes on self-publishing:
  • It's not easy; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
  • You probably won't make money; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.
  • Your first book might not be very good; but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. 
  • Although self-publishing e-books is free, you will probably have to give up something you love. Like sleep. You might want to think about that one.
Life is short people. Go forth and tell your stories.

The LAST Snowman is my first book. These folks all yelled "PUSH!" and deserve my thanks. Smack me if I've forgotten someone...but not too hard, because I'm still post natal:

Jill Smokler AKA ScaryMommy, Annie @ PhD in Parenting, Tracy Beckerman from Lost in Suburbia.
Virginia, Mona, Gigi.
Sandi, Derek, Stephie, Brandie, Åsa, Kristin, Judy, Susie, Julia, Dean, Tracy, Tanya, Brooke, Scotty, Tanya, Susie, Julia, Virginia, Michael, Sarah.
Everyone who took the time to read my blog and tell me they liked it.
Uncle Simon, The Huz, all our children and my mom.

But most of all, I want to thank the fourteen-year-old girl.


December 6, 2013

Happy Birthday GIGI.

Dear Gigi,

I love you because of lots of things.
Here's a handy list:
  1. Mila introduced us. We should thank her...... Hey thanks Mila!
  2. Then we were in Philly and you posed for me. 
  3. Your hair is different alla-time, alla-time.
  4. And you went to that palm-reader that one time and found my mom's scarf that she lost and you packed it up and sent it back to her and that was really nice of you. And now she's thinks you walk on water btw. Good luck keeping that up (just saying).
  5. You are smart. 
  6. You are fast at typing.
  7. You are funny.
  8. You are funny.
  9. You don't mind if I repeat myself.
RGB Cupcakes are too much for some people. But not this gal.


Happy Birthday, GiGi!



December 5, 2013

I made a book and this isn't it.

Tonight, I was going to blog about my book. Because it launched today and I posted a page about it. I was going to show you everything that it took to push this baby out into the world. But actually I've had too much Champagne. Heee.

And so, I give you this:

Hamsters do actually read. I'll bet you didn't know that.

Come back tomorrow, because there'll be a 'behind the scenes' post. With a drawing of someone's naked bum. If I were you, I'd subscribe now, so you don't miss that. I'm just saying.

I love you.



November 29, 2013

Self-publishing a picture book is really fun!

Well that was a gigantic lie.

I've been busy. Making a book. To self-publish. In other words, I am in HELL.

I thought I'd start making some of my stories into books. I've got some BIG BOOKS planned baby! But instead of starting with one of the biggies, I thought maybe I'd better test the waters with a story that's already proved its mettle, so to speak, on my blog. I selected a story, a well loved family story, with a universal theme - the junction between childhood and adolescence - The LAST Snowman.

This story is fully baked. Should work fine as a book, right?

Wrong.

Oh so wrong.

I have never been so wrong...(unless you count that time with that guy).

I noticed things in the drawings that bothered me and I had to finesse them. The pacing suddenly didn't work when I imagined another parent reading the story to their child. Establishing context became more important to build the tension. More drawings were needed.

And the text - where did all these repeated words come from?

What did I mean when I wrote this?


Do I really need to write that something happens in the story if I
show it happening in the illustration?


I reached out to those with more knowledge than I, and received valuable editing suggestions and advice. I honed, crafted, massaged, second-guessed and streamlined the story, and tried to stay true to the feel of the original blog post. I don't know if I've succeeded. A blog post is one thing; a book is another.

And then came formatting the bugger. With digital publishing, there's different types of files that you can make for a book. Oh wait....you're making a picture book? And it's landscape...as in "horizontal"? Sorry, but NONE of the eBook sellers out there (Amazon Kindle, iBook, Nook, Google Play) seem to be there yet. Here's the skinny (as far as I grasp it, which is not nearly as far as I like to throw this book):

You're supposed to start with InDesign and bring your pretty pictures in there. I hate InDesign with the burning intensity of a thousand suns. Then you export them to the different file formats: PDF, ePUB and MOBI. You really have to install plugins and screw around with the settings. My goal was to achieve a "two-page spread" - that is, one image spread over two pages, in the horizontal aspect of the device.

The PDF looked beautiful in iBooks on my iPad.

iKnowright?


But it failed at displaying
horizontally in the Kindle app on my friend Stephie's Android tablet. The bottom was cut off.

Stephie screencapped this for me while she was in a bubble bath; that was nice of her don't you think?

The ePUB file supposedly works well for text heavy books with a vertical (portrait) aspect ratio. Horizontal picture books? Not so much. Also, the colours were a bit washed out.

Some kinda weird artifact glommed onto this page and it won't shake loose.

MOBI (for Kindle or a device that has a Kindle app on it) - same dealio.

Two different sized frames on the vertical. WHY???
Remember, I'm looking for something that delivers a single image on each page change. I want to control all the things!

And then...I discovered the Kindle Comic Creator. KC2 is made by Amazon just for creating comics and picture books for Kindle, it's easy to use and it's free. I downloaded that baby, and threw my images into it hoping for the elusive two-page spread. Ten minutes later I had this:

Success!

Ideal preview results on all the Kindle Fires. No messing around with InDesign and all those crazy export settings.

Just for fun, here's the Kindle Paperwhite:

Woof.

But I still had to check out how it would appear in the Kindle apps on actual tablets. The Android passed with flying colours.

My friend Brandie screencapped this on her new Samsung tablet. 
And then I tested the KC2 MOBI (KF8) file on my iPad. It was a fail.

I blame Steve Jobs.

The KC2 Guide says it will work on the iPad Kindle app, but from what I can see, it did not deliver my "two-page spread".


AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A TEST BOOK.

I hear you laughing.

For all you Apple-cores, I'll be checking out the iBooks Author at some point. Or I'll just go with Blurb. We'll see.

Now the next big question is, "should I hire a publicist?" 

The LAST Snowman will launch during the first week of December 2013, Kindle version on Amazon. Holy crap, that's next week.