July 28, 2011

A Wrecked TILE Dysfunction.

I must say, I rocked at laying vinyl tiles on the mudroom floor. Until the part where I sat down in the glue... yeah, things kinda went downhill from there. And just before starting on the front entrance floor, I discovered that one must not glue expensive ceramic tiles onto a particle board subfloor as it is too unstable. If it gets wet, which it will (snow, hello), the board will swell causing the tiles to lift and crack. Those who frequent this blog even got to see my stabby face.

And here's what I hope will be the conclusion of my foray into DIY floor tiling.

I gave up on the tiling. And like any self-respecting wife who's husband is off in England for SIX WEEKS, I'd decided to take a night off and drink heavily before putting away all the DIY gear. I left the big bag of floor tile cement powder, along with the two big bags of black grout (also powder) on the little rug in the middle of the freshly tiled (with vinyl tiles) mudroom floor.

It was extremely hot so all the doors were open into the garden, in an effort to tempt the breeze into the house. Suddenly, it began to rain. The rain was crashing down!

It was pouring off the edge of the roof, overwhelming the guttering and literally streaming into every open door! I ran to the garden room (the floor of which was also tiled by moi 6 years ago) and discovered it flooded in an inch of water. I shut the door and mopped it up as quickly as I could; I can't even remember what that sub floor was. And just like that, it stopped raining. Yeesh!

I headed to the mudroom and discovered that it was also wet...

...but there was no puddle of water.

Because it had soaked into the little rug in the middle of the room.

And the paper bags of cement and black grout.

I wish I could tell you it ended there.

But it didn't.

My fourteen year old daughter helped me get the soaking wet bag of cement into a black garbage bag and together we managed to carry it into the garage. But the bag of BLACK grout powder split on the teenager and covered her in fine black dust. It didn't help that she was wearing a nice white shirt that she'd recently bought with her own money. So then I got to see her stabby face.

Fun times, right?

Well any ways the next day I went into the mudroom and I see that the tiles I so lovingly glued down on a particle board subfloor had lifted and cracked in what I can only describe as a flash flood.

And the wet cement? Solid.

I literally could not make this stuff up. I never want to see another tile as long as I live.
Can I have a margarita now...?

A note of thanks to my friend Adam for sparking this title with me.


  1. LOL, I just heart you and wish we lived closer!
    The fun we could have not tiling, with our British husbands cooking in the kitchen ... and I could totally bring some umbrella's and a couple of straws for that big assed wine glass! Or maybe buy one of my own ....

  2. This is why I will never DIY. Ever.

  3. This tile project of yours has turned into an unrelenting disaster of monumental proportions. I feel badly for you. I really do. DIY is supposed to be satisfying--not fodder for stabby face art.

  4. Ohhhhh...I just sat here with my jaw hanging, whispering "oh no..." over and over. SOOOO much rain here in Chicago this month. Insane amount. And we're moving into a new house tomorrow that needs a breathtaking amount of DIY.
    Methinks I will avoid tiling now...

  5. I can see from the drawing you were using Mapei products at least. Good choice!

  6. I told you! A nice rug would work so well about now!

  7. By Word - Nicole, I have a whole bunch of umbrellas just waiting for the day we meet.

    Alison - Knowing me, I'll prolly still try to do it. I'm relentless that way.

  8. Jonah - Dude. EVERYTHING is fodder for stabby face art. Besides, laughing about it is the best way of coping. Please don't feel bad for me - laugh with me and even at me!

  9. Grant - Yeah, Mapei is solid. As a rock! Ha.

    Derek - That was good advice from you and Stephi (@gypsy_momma) Imagine the damage if that water had all seeped into the sub floor....

  10. LOL and this is why you never glue anything to particle board. Sorry it happened, but it is rather amusing. I would certainly be having a stabby face.

  11. This is your next animated television series. I can see it now. JC, you rock harder than a wet bag of concrete! xoxo

  12. Yay for the rug & bags of materials sitting there to absorb a great portion of the water! Imagine all the loosened tiles had all that water just sat there on the floor instead....

    I definitely agree it's time to check out the stock in the liquor cabinet...and perhaps restock.

  13. Normally, I tell you your work is very funny. While this is (technically) also, I don't want to push it. Sorry for your... troubles. :D

  14. Marie - you think I might be able to do my own DIY show? I could call it DIY-NOT. Ha.

  15. Stephi! Thank goodness you suggested that rug, cuz, yup. It would've been waaaaaay worse.

  16. Hey Brandon - I appreciate that you're mindful of my feelings here. I'm looking on the bright side; if I can at least laugh at myself, I'm way ahead. Please feel free to laugh with me, at me. xojc

  17. Testosterone toxicity requires men to invest a lot of themselves in DIY projects like this, so that, when they fail, manhood is significantly diminished. Fortunately for humankind, estrogen does not work the same way. I was laughing, but it seemed cruel so I started commiserating. Perhaps the one I really feel sorry for is the poor schmuck who is going to have to fix the mess you've made. Personally I'd suggest a paid professional. That way you will prolly have an opportunity to draw a workman's butt crack. Win, win.

  18. Jonah! You cracked me right up with that one. I really hope I get to draw a workman's butt crack some day cuz all this will be worth the headache LOL!!!


Cuz You Rocketh.