Showing posts with label alien. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alien. Show all posts

November 28, 2014

Shy Author Stabs Book Store Manager With Pen.

"I'm incredibly shy, so this is difficult for me." Eek. Did I really just say that?

The corners of my mouth twitched. Holy shit. Am I going to cry? Please don't let me cry.

I'd finally got myself to the big Indigo bookstore in downtown Montreal and got the gumption up to speak to the Store Manager. The place was bustling and he was busy, but he stopped long enough to listen.

"How can I help you?"

I gulped air. "I'm one of those authors who's wondering how to get their book on the shelf in this store." My cheeks throbbed with the blushing.

The store manager's eyes glazed over; he inhaled deeply and released a long rehearsed verbal instruction about somehow getting into the category-something-listing-thingie via the main Toronto office. As if I could do that. A tear leaked out the corner of my eye and made itself known.

But then he said there was another option. "Consignment!" he declared, his eyes softening, "here's the name and email of the person to contact..."

I dove into my purse and whipped out my trusty Micron and an old envelope and, in my excitement, I stabbed the Store Manager in the hand with my pen. In a store named after a type of ink. Fuck.



We both stared at the tiny 0.3 spot probably now tattooed on his hand.

"FUCK! I totally just stabbed you with my pen! I'm sorry!"

"Haha, it's okay," he said rubbing his wrist, "here's the email address." He was that busy.


I started scribbling the info.

"Oh and by the way..." he added,  "...they're now taking applications for February."

As if stabbing the Book Store Manager of the biggest book store in Montreal wasn't enough, you can now taste, nay, savour the bitter irony of having your beautiful hardcover books ready months in advance, but being too shy to talk to someone about getting them onto Indigo's consignment list in time for Christmas.

I draw stories. I fail at getting them out there. But I win at drawing stories about failing at getting them out there.

*     *     *     *     *

If you want the hardcover edition of The Last Snowman, you have to email me directly. For now.


October 27, 2013

The Systemic Disrespect of the Artist

Every couple of months someone gets the gumption up to ask me if I'll illustrate their book. Assuming their book theme interests me, I always ask the same questions:
  1. Is this a paid gig? ("No...but I thought we could be partners.")
  2. Do you have an agent or interested publisher? ("No, but I know lots of people!")
  3. How many drawings are we talking about here? ("Uh...what.")
I'd love to illustrate all of them, but I've had to prioritize putting food on the table. Then about a year ago I was approached by someone I considered a social-media friend. In order to protect their identity, I've depicted them as a gender-neutral Alien.



The Alien in question is fairly well known on the Internet. Widely followed and trusted in their niche. Respected. A solid reputation earned over many years of web presence. And also quite like-able.

Collaboration's gotta be a good fit from every angle, ya know?


I weighed the offer: I'd worked with the Alien on smaller projects and it had gone well, the book project inspired me, and it was viable...so I decided to make time for it.


We made a plan: I would do three illustrations for a book proposal that we could shop around. There was already an interested publisher from my side. It was exciting!

We moved forward with mutual trust, respect, and enthusiasm. I began to draw.



The Alien gave positive feedback on the first illustration.



And on the second illustration. Two down, one to go! It was going well. 


Then I sent the third illustration...


...there were some issues with it.


The Alien scrapped it and suggested I try another.

It's crucial to be able to clearly explain to an artist why something's not working. It's equally important to be able to accept criticism constructively and apply improvements for the good of the project. You can't be precious about your ideas.

So I went back to the old drawing board.


A fourth illustration was sent.


And the Alien said...nothing.


No response. It was like they'd vanished into thin air. Either that, or I was suddenly invisible.


I waited, thinking perhaps the email had got lost, or that the Alien was away on a trip. I made allowances. After a few months, I reached out again.


And I heard...nothing.

I worried, maybe they're ill? I thought of contacting the family. But a quick check of the Alien's social media accounts revealed they were alive and well and communicating with the world as usual.


I'm a big girl. I've been working commercially for over thirty years. I'm used to making changes and adjustments in response to client comments. Big clients, like Coca-Cola and Nestlé, with big agencies. I've collaborated on TV series for international co-productions with international broadcasters. It's a point of pride for me to be able to either defend my vision or adjust it creatively to meet revisions.

I've rarely encountered a client or collaborator who's preferred to cut all communication rather than either do the work, or end the partnership. People do change their minds; it's possible that I wasn't a good fit for the Alien's book, after all.

But all I heard was nothing. Which was disappointing and shitty.


A whole year passed, during which time I put this behind me. Then a few weeks ago I was at an event where the Alien surprised me by marching right up to greet me.


The first thing that came out of the Alien's mouth was not an apology. It was BLAME.



What would you say? I found myself slipping into, "yeah, I am really busy..." But I had made the commitment to the Alien's book project and had given it my time and energy. I decided to force the issue.


And then came the apology. I couldn't interpret actual sincerity in the moment, but I've given the Alien the benefit of the doubt for this drawing....


...but not for this one. Because I don't believe it. To blame me for their cowardly behaviour was galling.


My intention here, is not to "out" the Alien. I don't wish to shame anyone, or get revenge. Rather, I want to shed light on what I consider to be at the heart of the systemic abuse of artists: a lack of fundamental respect.


Think this story is trivial? To a greater or lesser degree, it's playing out all around us. Ego, cowardice and a lazy work ethic are no excuse.

Paid or unpaid, the Innerwebs have opened a million doors to mistreat writers, musicians and visual artists. There's no shortage of seemingly "nice" people out there, trustworthy, respectful and professional people, who turn around and truly believe it's okay to treat an artist like this.

Well I say, it's NOT okay. So just don't do it.


And if you're an artist? Then you call that shit out.


March 23, 2013

The Animated Mammogram.

WARNING: Squished boobies.

In animation, we have this thing called “conservation of volume”. This means that while an object can change shape, it’s volume should be respected (unless it is moving towards or away from the camera). In the classic case of the bouncing ball, for example, the effects of gravity on the ball affect its shape as it travels, but the size of the ball remains the same.



This animation tidbit was running through my head as I was about to have a mammogram.



A kindly Alien being named Sylvie placed one of my breasts on the slab.

She told me not to move, not even to breathe...what is it with these Alien probes? You hafta hold perfectly still for all of them?


Then she lowered the presser thingie down on top of it.



Lower…



and lower…



and lower.

I thought, "surely she's going to stop right about now?" But no, she just kept lowering the gizmo and squeezing the living fark out of my girl.



I literally thought my tit would split.


Amazingly, they bounced back to their usual shape afterward. I hadn't lost any volume either. Thank goodness for good bras!



I'm rather fond of my boobs and I'd like to make sure they're ok. What do you all think about mammograms?


February 6, 2013

My Birthday was OUT Of This World!

Yes, today is my birthday and I'm fifty-one. BUT I'M A HAWT 51. Last year when I turned fifty I spent my birthday animating a little film. This year I got an MRI. Which turned out to be not an MRI at all!

It was a vascular CT scan - which is a fancy name for being probed by extra-terrestrials.

When I arrived at the hospital neuro place I got put in a room with a space ship in it. I was warmly greeted by two women, Lucy and Denise (aliens). They told me I was going to be injected with some kind of liquid that would make me feel weird while they took pictures of my head. And I'm not allowed to move. Oh great. Happy Birthday to me.



I lay down on the horizontal surface with my head just inside the space ship. Lucy inserted the biggest-needle-ever into my arm and attached it to an actual machine that goes "ping".



Then Denise and Lucy went and hid behind a window, watching me and likely laughing at my helpless earthling ways. 



I was wiggling my toes to keep from becoming airborne and they told me to stop it. NO moving allowed. The space ship was making strange noises and the operating plank I was lying on moved in and out of it. It was bizzarre. 

Then came a rush of weird bubbly and probably radioactive liquid coursing through my veins up my arm making my heart feel hot and like I had to pee. I was trying not to move but I was breathing in and out really fast and I'm pretty sure I blinked more than Romney and Obama combined in any one of the debates. 

Then the scan probe was over and Lucy made me stand up. I asked her if my pee would glow in the dark. She laughed, took the biggest-needle-ever out of my arm, wished me a happy birthday and left. I guess the gauze wasn't packed on tightly enough cuz my arm started pouring blood onto the floor.



Luckily Denise was still there so she fixed it up. I was kind of disappointed that it was normal colored blood. They were both really nice to me. I always knew the aliens would have a sense of humor.

The Huz took me out for brunch and gave me a massage and stuff so at the moment I'm feeling pretty good. This was not the worst medical test thingie that I've lived through. Some day I'll tell you all about my colonoscopy other probe.

I am brave.


April 1, 2011

The ALIENS Have LANDED.

APRIL FOOLS!!! Ha ha ha....



Meep meep bip bop meegle meep. Take me to your Leader.

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