December 29, 2014

Daze of darkness and light.

Depression is a funny thing. Which is to say that it's not funny at all. One moment you're fine and then next you're crushed. I call it "losing my ball". When I lose my ball I can wander in darkness for long months and even years. The cloying sadness is pervasive. Clouds hang over every waking moment. 

Push it away, ignore it. It comes creeping back like a gollum, never far.

I feel like I want to die. Which is not quite the same as wanting to kill myself. And at the same time, I have a weird apathy about everything, like even dying is just too much trouble. Fixing myself is too much trouble. Caring is too much trouble.

I laugh at it...but it's badLoneliness closes in on me and yet I shut myself away.

If I try to tell people about it they always want to remind me of all my accomplishments in life. It really pisses me off. They're just trying to help but they don't get it. 

"Come and visit me! We'll have fun."

"Have you tried exercise?"

"Just change your diet!"

"You can decide not to be depressed, you know."

I can't fall asleep and if I do sleep I cannot wake up. When I finally wake up, I hide under the blankets for as long as possible. 

And then one day the darkness lifts. It is literally just like clouds evaporating and sunlight streaming in. I feel fine and strong.

My sun came out a few days ago and I found my ball. I have no idea why or for how long, but I'll take it.