December 29, 2014

Daze of darkness and light.

Depression is a funny thing. Which is to say that it's not funny at all. One moment you're fine and then next you're crushed. I call it "losing my ball". When I lose my ball I can wander in darkness for long months and even years. The cloying sadness is pervasive. Clouds hang over every waking moment. 


Push it away, ignore it. It comes creeping back like a gollum, never far.

I feel like I want to die. Which is not quite the same as wanting to kill myself. And at the same time, I have a weird apathy about everything, like even dying is just too much trouble. Fixing myself is too much trouble. Caring is too much trouble.

I laugh at it...but it's badLoneliness closes in on me and yet I shut myself away.

If I try to tell people about it they always want to remind me of all my accomplishments in life. It really pisses me off. They're just trying to help but they don't get it. 

"Come and visit me! We'll have fun."

"Have you tried exercise?"

"Just change your diet!"

"You can decide not to be depressed, you know."

I can't fall asleep and if I do sleep I cannot wake up. When I finally wake up, I hide under the blankets for as long as possible. 

And then one day the darkness lifts. It is literally just like clouds evaporating and sunlight streaming in. I feel fine and strong.


My sun came out a few days ago and I found my ball. I have no idea why or for how long, but I'll take it. 


15 comments:

  1. SO glad you found your ball! Hope you get to PLAY for a very long time.

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    1. Thanks Lynn - as long as the sun shines, I'll be playing <3

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  2. Glad to hear you're in the light again.

    I don't suffer from depression but I do have what I call "the bad voice." That's the little (some days not so little) voice in my head that tells me that nobody likes me and everyone is against me. It'll tell me that my loved ones don't really love me and that my co-workers probably laugh at me behind my back. It tells me that I don't know anything. (A co-worker once asked if I doubt my abilities. She was shocked when I answered "all the time" without hesitation.)

    It's only purpose of my "bad voice" seems to be to distance myself from everyone I love and look for the worst possible interpretation of events. The really insidious part is that it can feel good giving in to this and silently fuming at the world. Fighting back can be hard, especially when one comment (meant in an innocent fashion) catching you off-guard can let the voice's foot in the door.

    Fighting the darkness/bad voice is tough, but it's worth it. It can help to know that you're not alone and that there are others in similar situations.

    (Also, a little extra mojo doesn't hurt... especially now that the Christmas crowds at the Post office have dissipated. *hint* *hint* )

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    1. The "bad voice" feeds the Imposter Syndrome, amiright?

      The ball = mojo in my case. I'm happy you commented. There are tumbleweeds blowing through this blog...!

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    2. Exactly. I'm not sure if the "bad voice" is the only source of my Impostor Syndrome, but it's a big part of it. It's constantly telling me that I'm nothing compared to other people because they are so much more talented than I am. The tricky part with the voice saying this is that it is often right. There are many people in this world more talented at various things than I am. This doesn't mean that I'm a no-talent "imposter", though. No matter how good you are, there's always someone better than you. Still the voice uses this grain of truth to sow doubt in your own abilities.

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    3. Right. There's always someone better, stronger, taller, prettier, faster, younger, more talented, more organized blah blah blah. All we can do is do what we do. All we can do is try our best.

      By the way, YOU'RE THE BEST DAMN TECHYDAD EVER.

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  3. What an awesome way to explain depression. Mine creeps up on me - sometimes I can catch it and try to work through it, sometimes, I can't. It's when I can't that's the hardest - not only for me, but for the Mr (and everyone else around). I hate that so many of my friends live with this, but I'm happy we are sharing this...to help remove the stigma.

    So glad you found your ball. If (or when) you lose it again, please let me know. I'll listen. <3

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    1. Thank-you Sherree. Knowing that people are listening helps. The Internet is one up on real life in that respect. Some irony in there somewhere!

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  4. it takes balls to admit you've lost your ball(s). right there with you! good days, bad days.... sometimes good hour bad hour. hang in there!.... just, don't hang mkeh?

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  5. What a great way to explain it. There is no greater gift in life than having friends who understand what you're dealing with. They are gentle with you when you need it, know when to give you your space and then, they are there when the light finally breaks through.

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    1. Yes. I have one friend who has been hovering near me, quietly. She knows.

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  6. I totally relate! I have been battling this on and off for months now, I'll find my ball for a little while and then lose it again. It is tough, and my bf tries to relate but it is just hard when you feel alone battling depression. I try to remember that depression lies, but that voice is so loud that it's hard to ignore. I'll keep fighting to find and keep my ball though!

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    1. I know what you mean...it's hard. But I'm glad you're here.

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Cuz You Rocketh.