Pretend Interview with Queen Latifah and me.

WARNING: None of this happened; I drew it for the Queen Latifah Show's website two years ago after she photobombed me at BlogHer. The QLS editors decided to drop the story because they didn't want the public to think that this was a real interview that actually occurred. So I shelved it. Until now. Gosh I hope they don't sue me.

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Famous authors get invited on celebrity talk-shows to plug their new books. But I'm pretty much a nobody and it's highly unlikely that I'll ever get asked to appear on anyone's talk show. So I figured I'd do the next best thing: draw a completely made-up pretend interview! YESSSS. I am very smart.

In which a pretend Queen Latifah pretend interviews me about my book (that part is real):

QL:  We have an unusual guest today, let's give a warm welcome to JC Little, The Animated Woman!

QL:  Welcome! Welcome to the Queen Latifah Show! So... you wrote and illustrated a children's book..."The Last Snowman, by JC Little". What does "JC" stand for?

JC:  Hey, I'm making up this interview, you can't ask me that!

QL:  Sorry! Okay. Tell me about your book - you published it yourself, right, what do you call it, 'self published’?

JC:  Uh-huh. I brought a copy for you.

QL:  Tell me, JC...how does one go about marketing a self-published book? I mean, you're just one person, right? It's not like you have a big publishing machine behind you - how do you get the word out there to sell your books?

JC:  I have some friends who have helped out by reviewing my book on their blogs. But you're right: it's really hard to make a splash in the big ole' internet if you don't have a big publishing house behind you. You have to be inventive and do pretend interviews.

QL:  I'm gonna read it now...

QL:  Awww ...*sniff*...it's really funny and sweet. This is the best picture book ever; the story is heartwarming and the drawings are BOSS! This right here…this could be a best seller.

JC:  I know right?

QL:  Funnay! How do you feel about the fact that very few people will ever get to read your book, because no one's ever heard of you?

JC:  Welp....I like to think about those few people who are reading it and I hope they're enjoying it. When you’re little and you have stories read to you, you grow up with those stories inside you. You take them with you. And you remember them when you are older. Stories are what matter and I'm a story artist.

QL:  "Story artist" I like that! And I really love the way you've drawn me. I am a super cute cartoon.

JC:  It's just stick-figures...you know.

QL:  Well I wish you luck, and if it's any help, I know it's you making me say this in a pretend interview, but I really love your book, and I’m pretty sure lots of other people out there will like it too.

JC:  Aw....you're so kind, Queen Latifah.

QL:  I mean it! Thanks for being on my pretend show, and letting me pretend interview you.

JC:  You are welcome. Thanks for having me! And thanks for letting me pretend you're pretend interviewing me. Ha.

QL:  You're not gonna tell me what "JC" stands for, are you?

JC:  And spoil the mystery?

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When the pretend applause has faded you can hop on over to Amazon and check out The Last Snowman, my book that Queen Latifah has never read.

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#BlogHer13 - Queen Latifah & my VOTY AWARD.

It's only just sinking in that I was selected as a VOTY winner, for my illustrated story "How To Check For Pinworms". In the educational Humor Category, no less.

You guys know what the Voice of the Year Award is, right? It's only like, the Oscars of the blogosphere. One hundred honorees are selected from 2600 submissions; of those, twelve are awarded the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to read their winning blogposts at the BlogHer Community Keynote. I was one of twelve.

If you blog, this is a Big Deal. It is peer recognition, community celebration, and the chance to wear that fancy dress on a stage all rolled into one. There is no prize money or gifts or even a break on the registration fee; it's just honor, plain and simple.

So there I was, massively hungover and knowing I had to get up on a stage and tell 5000+ fellow bloggers a funny story about bumholes and pinworms, (with drawings). And did I mention that Queen Latifah was emceeing the Awards? 

We were told to meet at 4:30 in "the greenroom" in the backstage area. Although I felt a bit like death, I somehow managed to arrive on time, but the place was deserted. I asked a non-judgmental hotel security guard for guidance.

She took me behind the stage, past a labyrinth of black gear boxes, cables taped to the floor, and a row of five dudes sitting at tables with laptops and fancy tech stuff with blinking lights. It was all very official back there. It would have been intimidating but I was busy concentrating on surviving my hangover, specifically keeping bodily fluids from leaving without permission.

The security guard put me in a curtained off room. It was nice in there; fresh cut flowers and comfy sofas. I gratefully sank into one, thinking, wow, they're really treating us well! I turned inward to try to focus...

I wasn't really nervous about performing my piece; I use it in one of my lectures about Visual Storytelling and I know how to work it. But the timing of the images has to be perfect or the story falls flat. No one had yet communicated to me if I was going to be able to control this myself with a clicky thing.

As I sat quietly fretting about this, a scary lady with a headset pulled back the curtain and barked, "Who are YOU?!?"

Turns out they'd accidentally put me in Queen Latifah's greenroom. Scary Lady kicked me out.

I thought that sofa was a bit too comfy anyways.

The Readers' greenroom looked like this:

I sat there by myself for fifteen minutes. The other eleven readers joined me, plus the hardworking BlogHer organizers. We were lined up in order on the chairs (I was second). Apparently Queen Latifah was stuck in traffic eating pizza so there was a delay. The energy backstage was a mix of nerves and serenity; women hugged one another, did yoga stretches, and silently practiced their speeches. I was given the clicky thing whereupon my worries about timing my slides dissipated.

Suddenly a gorgeous tall woman in a black and white dress breezed into the backstage area, followed by a couple of 'handlers' and a video cameraman. Everything about her screamed DEAL WITH IT. The star had arrived.

She smiled a zillion watts and said (sic), "How yall doin? My name is Laaaaaa....!"

And my brain went into full *holeefuuuuqQUEENLATIFAHisstandingrightinfrontofme* reverb. I couldn't speak. All I could think of was that I had to take a picture for my mom. I crept forward with my iPhone and turned around so QL was behind me.

My intention was to just get her in the background with my selfie in the foreground. But she saw me doing it.

And the rest is photobomb history.

This gif was SubWOW's idea. 

Best hangover cure ever! Armed with a couple of Queen Latifah's sparkles I climbed the stage (without tripping - high-five!) and delivered my story with previously untapped panache. I may have been channeling a mix of Eddie Izzard, Louis CK and Captain Underpants....

Hearing so many people laughing in all the right places was extremely gratifying and I'll never, ever forget it. Afterward, someone mentioned that one person actually couldn't handle the wormy bits and had to walk out. It made me realize how far I'd pushed the limits by winning a VOTY for this story. My pinworms and I trolled the entire audience and all but one made it through.

Doesn't that somehow make it more meaningful?

Thank-you BlogHer, thank-you to the selection committee, and thank-you to everyone who laughed in all the right places, at a story about a little boy with an itchy bum.


Tune in to The Queen Latifah Show.

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