Elephant In the Brain

The Ides of March, my sobriety anniversary, or "soberthday", came and went yesterday without fanfare. It's been four years since I quit drinking. 

Every year an old friend of mine calls to congratulate me on staying sober, and yesterday was no different. He said that he was impressed that I had made it this far, and that he knew how hard it was to quit. My reply, as always, was that I didn't find it hard. I found that continuing drinking was hard; not drinking was so much easier.

No self loathing. No little mind games. No shame. Much easier.

But I'm carefully ignoring something: the elephant is no longer in the room, but it's still lurking in my brain.  I'm not accounting for the hidden costs of sobriety. I'm not acknowledging the losses. There are friendships and communities of drinking buddies that fall away and disintegrate. It's painful. Even though you have no issue being around drinkers or being at parties, the invitations dry up. You are excluded from certain events.

The photos posted to Facebook of a girls night out, or a trip to a winery stings a little. You can see the party going on inside the bubble, but you know that you are not welcome. Not because you can't handle it, but because they can't.

And that is just the superficial pain. It runs deeper and with greater intensity, and it touches the raw nerve of your identity. People who have known you your whole life accuse you of having changed. They don't recognize you. They're even angry, as though you'd cheated them, or stolen something they felt was theirs.

You spent so many years covering up the fear and doubt, drowning out the loneliness with booze and being a happy, funny, party girl. They miss that girl. But she is not who you are - she never was.

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The Very Bored Elephant.

It used to be the biggest thing in the room, and now, three years later, the shrinking elephant is so very bored.

Definitely not drinking is easier than drinking; my struggle ended when I made the decision to quit. It incinerated this punishing loop of self-loathing.

I remember being scared, like, what if I fail? And my mom said, "Yes, you might fail. But if you fail, it's alright; you start over. You're allowed to fail." And I was like, oh, that's pretty straightforward. I can do this.

Life is a little different. I lost a friend or two along the way. It forced me to re-evaluate my friendship goals. And that was sad, but ultimately liberating.

I don't get invited to aaaaalll the parties anymore. Though I do get invited to some. I was at a friend's birthday celebration and I was laughing and having fun. A man offered me some wine. I told him, "No, thanks". He then straight-up told me that he was going to order a bottle and that I was going to drink some. After momentarily toying with the idea of just telling him, "I'M AN ALCOHOLIC" I thought, but why give any explanation when "no" should be enough? So I simply repeated myself, "No. Thank-you." He backed away.

I have the power. I'm good. Love you guys!

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The Bored Elephant.

Two years sober, today.

Two years ago, the unspoken alcoholic truth loomed large in the room. Today, I hardly think of it. The elephant is still there...but it's really, really small. And bored out of its tiny mind.

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The Shrinking Elephant.

Last May I finally acknowledged the gigantic elephant in the room: I’m an alcoholic. Today I'm sober for one year.

There’s a lot I could say about quitting drinking…like:

1. You don’t have to drink “a lot” to be alcoholicle. 
2. There’s a world of difference between stopping and quitting. 
3. Naming the beast was half the job. 
4. You can quit for your family, but it’s far better to quit for your self. 
5. Drinking was harder than not drinking. 
6. Some friendships evaporate, others solidify. 
7. Chocolate helps. 
8. Living without headaches and hangovers is soooooo great.
9. Sex is a million times better.
10. I can still swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. 

Yeah, there's a lot I could say. But tonight, right now, all I want to do is bask in the glow.

Comments are here.

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Elephant.

"I'm calling this."

Are you sure? You can't take it back once it's out there.

"I'm ready. I'm brave."

Wow. You're really letting go of this.

"Yeah, I love wine. I love the drunkies, I love the way it makes me giggle!"

So why quit?

"Because I love me more. I can finally stop hating myself."

Self-loathing is not cool for someone as lovable as you, JC.

"Thank-you for saying that."

You're welcome. We won't judge you. 

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#BlogHer13 - TOONswag & The Drunkies...day 2/3

Meanwhile, back at the Sheraton's Chi Bar...

Oh BlogHers, I'm a cheap date. It doesn't take much to get me drunk and I'm a bit of a slut for Chardonnay, so when those who would be drawn plied me with chilled glasses of the stuff I didn't stand a chance. I got completely distracted and forgot my Number 1 Rule: never drink on an empty stomach.

But first, there was toonswag. I asked Angela Belford to pose and she agreed.

VP of Sales and Marketing for Theraderm skin care, Angela has natural beauty and poise. She radiates confidence.

Believe it or not, very few people come marching up to me to say "Please drawez moi". I imagine they must be shy but more likely it's because they don't know who I am or what I do. So quite often I have to ask if I may draw them. I'm pretty shy myself (unless Chardonnay) so I have to work at it. But I'm getting better; I now realize that I draw people to draw them to me.

FINALLY Lizz Porter showed up. She's kind of a big deal cuz not only is she the blogger behind Am I A Funny Girl, but HELLO she was owning the catwalk in the BlogHer fashion show this year. Lizz is unapologetic-ally way taller than me (I am short). So I drew her as a chibi, to even things up a bit.

So chic. AND FUNNY. I hope I did her justice. She only gave me fifteen minutes to whip it up on account of her being a celeblogger now.....*sigh*.

By now I'd had ONE glass of wine. Then Adam, my old room mate from 1988 showed up and whisked me away for drinksies with his lovely wife. Here's a drawing I did of him 25 years ago:

There was ANOTHER GLASS of rosé. And a ride in a porsche.



I managed to find my new best friend Lin, the blogger behind The Absence Of Alternatives in the EXPO Hall. She looks like this:

EXPO Halls are a maze of crazy: people work long hours in there, handing out swag, engaging in lively conversation and generally being "on". Bloggers scrape the booths for free stuff (much of which is, let's face it, food for the land fill). But some is useful! We gravitated to the sparkling wine (just ONE GLASS I SWEAR) and stumbled into the Kuyam booth where lo and behold, a fellow artist lurked!

Jackie Chang was both working the booth and drawing people. She's talented - blimey, just see her stuff at JaxCha.com.

Look, she depicted me with a champers flute; I guess I do look a little squiffed already. She was the only person that I toonswagged who actually drew me back. I wonder if was the same for her...?

Back at the Sheraton I forgot all about dinner, put on my party frock and elevatored down to the BlogHer Welcome Reception. Another glass of wine (does that make FOUR or FIVE?) and The Drunkies set in for realz. But I managed to do one more toonswag that night: Deborah Goldstein, who blogs at Peaches & Coconuts.

I'm still pretending she didn't know that my liver was saturated. Never drink and draw, people. Unless you are me. After that, Lin and I closed the bar. Gah.

Happy Hangover.

The next morning was bad. I shunned the light of day and tried to remain horizontal as long as possible. In the end it was hunger starvation that forced me to venture out in search of nourishment. That's the only reason I got to see Guy Kawasaki's keynote. Toonswag!

I hear animators moaning all the time about how they want to make their film but can't for whatever reason and I tell them the same thing. So Guy's words made sense to me.

But oh man, I felt like death. I was massively hungover, and I had to do my VOTY Award performance thing in just a couple of hours. Like with Queen Latifah. On a stage in front of five thousand bloggers. GULP. How do I even...?

But that's another blogpost...

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LADY of the House.

WARNING: This one's for grownups.

She's funny, she's smart, she's constantly shouting " The Emperor has no clothes!" And you gotta admire her merciless sparring with @WhyisDaddyCryin in a friendly duel of "I Fantasize". She's the Lady of the House @ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter, blogging just as fast as she can on Checking the Electrical Box, and it's her BIRTHDAY.

This started off as an interview and sorta morphed into me and her getting all drunk and stuff.

JC: Okey dokes. We don't know your real name, so let's call you LADY.  And since you're incognito I guess I'll hafta draw you. Here's some cartoon girlies - tell me which one you look most like. You can mix and match btw. After that we can start drinking.

LADY: Like Chaka Khan, I can certainly find a little bit of myself in every woman, including Caillou, because he's a little girl ;) However, since I'm not attached to a polygraph I'm gonna go with Jessica Rabbit's body, Betty Boop's flirtiness, Marge's heart, and Palin's ummmmmmmmmmmm vagina because she HAS to fuck like a champ to have gotten where she is today.

JC: Hah! Ok. I'll draw a picture of you. Just as soon as I retrieve my jaw from the floor. And return to my normal colouring....

JC: Oh wow, I just drew your hair and guess what - you're wearing a bumpit.

LADY: NOOOOOOO! A bumpit????? Please JC don't make me look like a reality famewhore. I'd rather have you draw me with the "Bieber."

LADY: HEY!!

LADY: I do have Marge's love for her family. But I said Marge's heart, not her hair!!!

LADY: NO.

LADY: Bitch stole my wig!

LADY: Wait do I have DORA HAIR????????????????? Please don't give me Dora hair.

JC: Okaaaaay. You are NO fun.

LADY: I AM FUN! I AM FUN! (stomps feet. Shakes fist. Passes out.)

LADY: That's bettah. Now draw my juicy fruit bootay ;)

JC: Ok voilà. Your boobs now enter the room a half-hour before the rest of you.

LADY: Hey that looks just like me!

JC: Here, I ordered us some sake.

LADY: Thanks. You know it's my favorite. Although do you think you can handle me after a few bottles of sake? I used to be a serious party girl and sake is the only alcohol that can still bring her out.

JC: Are you gonna to fall off the chair if you drink too much? Cuz that would be cool.

LADY: Fall off a chair? Lover, I am a LADY. I'm more likely to re-enact that scene from 'Flashdance.' BTW I love that you were a video vixen ;) One year I was a seat filler at the MTV Video Awards and ended up being part of Wu-Tang Clan the entire night. Busta Rhymes put me in a head lock. I was really high. It was one of the strangest nights of my life.

JC: I used to be a wild party girl too. One time I was partying with Motley Crüe, and I woke up the next morning in another city. True story. Um....what's a "video vixen"? I never saw Flashdance and I had to ask my husband who the heck Wu-Tang Clan is. My ignorance continues to fascinate me.

LADY: WHAT IN THE HOLY SHIT??? How did you never see Flashdance? Jennifer Beals? Ripped sweatshirt?

JC: Meh. I live in a bubble. The idea of someone putting you in a headlock is cool though, especially if he's got a name like Busta Rhymes. I'm guessing MTV is big on sake! Hahaha, no one is going to understand what we're talking about.

LADY: Even I don't understand what we're talking about. Did our interview start? This is why I can't drink.

JC: Me too. I should never drink and draw.

JC: Do you believe in ZOMBIES?

LADY: I do not believe in zombies. I prefer vampires because at least they fuck you to death.

JC: Hahahaha! Classic. Vampires fuck and suck.
I was just worried that, there was a ZOMBIE nearby, cuz of that scratching ...and whining.

JC: Now where were we? OK, who was your first "date"?

LADY: I was never a dater. I was either happily single or somehow fell into a relationship. As "ballsy" as I am on twitter I'm actually a very traditional girl.

JC: Well, I admire your twitter "persona". I love how you expose the gritty truth of current events with intelligent, barbed humour.

LADY: Thank you for saying such nice things about me. :) I'm blushing. I find it funny you say my twitter "persona" because I'm kind of the same in life. I love to laugh and have surrounded myself with some of the funniest friends. However, I only really flirt with my hottie husband. I guess I've always been a bit of a snarker. Since becoming a full time mom, twitter & my blog are my connection to that side of myself. So not sure that answered your question. I just do what I do. Can you tell my mom you think I'm funny and smart?

JC: Happy Birthday Lady.

LADY: Thanks lover!

OK guys; what do you want for your birthday?

PS. I was  never a video vixen. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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